Only 1% of Therapists Recognize the Flying Monkey Trap

Flying monkeys gaslight memories—here are the phrases therapists miss. These lines rewire your reality.

Imagine remembering every detail of an argument—what was said, how you felt—only to hear, “Are you sure that’s how it happened?” Suddenly, the ground shifts. This isn’t just a disagreement. It’s a calculated move called gaslighting, and when it comes from enablers—so-called “flying monkeys”—the confusion deepens. Narcissists rarely work alone; they recruit others to deliver doubt on their behalf, muddying your sense of reality. Why do they do this? How do their allies twist your memories until you start questioning your own sanity? Today, we’ll name the strategies flying monkeys use, break down their manipulation tactics with real-life exchanges, and draw on research from Dr. George Simon, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and others. By the end, you’ll know how to spot these psychological traps—and how to reclaim your narrative.

Flying Monkeys and the Echo Chamber Effect

The term “flying monkeys” comes from the enablers in narcissistic abuse who parrot the abuser’s narrative. Dr. George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing, describes how manipulators weaponize social allies to wear down their targets—turning a single voice of doubt into a chorus.

Consider this: After a heated incident, you confide in a friend. Instead of support, they say, “Well, everyone sees things differently.” On the surface, it sounds neutral. But the subtext is clear: your memory is suspect, your feelings negotiable. This tactic creates an echo chamber, where the abuser’s version drowns out your own.

This isn’t just personal bias; it’s a script. Simon’s research shows these allies often don’t even realize they’re part of the manipulation. Their job is to reinforce uncertainty, softening the edges of your anger or pain until you’re left adrift. Recognizing this is step one: when multiple people repeat the same minimizing lines, pay attention to the pattern—not the individual message.

“Are You Sure?”: The Engine of Self-Doubt

Few phrases are more destabilizing than, “Are you sure that happened?” Dr. Ramani Durvasula, psychologist and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?, notes that this question is rarely innocent in the context of narcissistic dynamics. It plants a seed—inviting you to mistrust your own recollection.

Picture this exchange: You recall a partner’s cruel remark. A mutual friend interjects, “Are you sure you’re remembering that right?” Suddenly, you’re on the defensive, sifting through foggy details. The mechanism is simple: create ambiguity, then let you fill the gaps with self-blame.

Durvasula’s work highlights how chronic exposure to this undermining corrodes confidence. Over time, you become your own gaslighter, doubting what you once knew. When faced with this tactic, pause. Anchor yourself in the specifics—dates, actions, physical sensations. Your memory is not on trial, no matter how many times you’re cross-examined.

Minimizing Language: Silencing and Isolation

Flying monkeys don’t always deny your reality—they may downplay it instead. Statements like, “I think you’re overreacting,” or, “It wasn’t that bad,” are classic minimization tactics. Lundy Bancroft, in Why Does He Do That?, explains these phrases serve to isolate survivors. By framing your reactions as extreme, they urge you to keep quiet.

Consider a family gathering gone wrong. After voicing discomfort about a relative’s behavior, someone chimes in, “Don’t be so sensitive.” The result? You second-guess whether your boundaries are valid. Bancroft’s analysis shows that minimization is not about understanding; it’s about controlling the narrative so the abuser faces no consequences.

Document your experiences immediately after they happen. Even brief notes can counteract the erosion of your self-trust. Remember: your emotional responses are data—not defects.

“Everyone Remembers Differently”: Collective Gaslighting

Perhaps the most insidious trap is when flying monkeys invoke communal memory: “Everyone remembers it differently.” Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, details how trauma alters memory processing, making survivors vulnerable to revisionist histories. When recollections are dismissed as subjective, your pain becomes peripheral.

Imagine recalling a public humiliation. Later, a third party tells you, “I don’t remember it that way. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as you think.” This doesn’t just challenge your story—it erases it. Van der Kolk’s research underscores that trauma is stored in both mind and body. Dismissing someone’s experience compounds the injury.

Reclaim agency by seeking validation from neutral sources—a trusted counselor, a support group, or your own written records. The goal is not to prove your memory flawless, but to affirm that your experience matters, regardless of others’ recollections.

What to do with this

You are not alone in your confusion. The tactics used by flying monkeys are designed to obscure, to silence, and to isolate. But awareness is the antidote. By naming these strategies, you can start to disentangle your truth from the noise. Next time you hear a phrase that makes you second-guess yourself, pause. Recall what you know, not what you’re told to believe. Connect with those who honor your story. Each act of self-trust is a step back toward clarity—and toward reclaiming power over your own narrative.

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